Redefining LOVE

Redefining LOVE

We use the word love all the time without really pausing to reflect what we mean by it. On the surface, when we say we love a person, it sounds like we are describing a relationship where we serve the other. But if we dig deeper, we find that more often than not, we are talking about how the other person makes us feel; about what we get from that person. Since if we ask why we love a certain person, we are likely to say things like: “because they make me feel good, they praise me, they support me, they listen to me, they don’t judge me, they accept me as I am, they help me, they benefit me.” So what is articulated as love for someone else, upon closer examination, often turns out to be self-love. Now if someone does all or some of these things for you, you are likely to reciprocate. That is natural. You are likely to respond by supporting them, affirming them, listening to them. But understand that if your love is based on what the person does for you and how they make you feel, your motive is conditional and at some point your love is likely to turn to resentment. Why? Because you have an expectation that the person will always make you feel good. And if at some point they don’t, you will resent them because of the pain of your own frustrated expectation. The me-me-me – my right to gratification, satisfaction, affirmation – discourse of the modern world has exacerbated this problem. These days love has come to mean “what it does for me,” rather than “what I do for them”. Due to the focus on how it makes us feel and our own gratification, therefore, its highest form is understood to be the expression of physical intimacy between two people. Not surprisingly, there is so much heartache and bitterness in relationships, especially romantic and intimate relationships. Because you have a situation where both people are constantly fighting to get the gratification and service they feel they are entitled to. As it has become all about "me" and what I can get; all about my conditional motive. And to the degree that I have a conditional motive is the degree to which the relationship will make me miserable. Every single time. The sickness runs deep in all of us. It's just easier to see in other people. But any useful instruction can only be applied to the self, not the other. So if you are struggling in a relationship, blaming or trying to the change the other person will not help. Because the issue is not with them. No matter how disrespectful, demanding, ill-behaved, arrogant or negligent the other person is, the problem is your conditional motive. Work on that first. Clarify that first. Change your intent -- to give unconditionally – first. Turn love the noun into love the verb. Understand that to love means to serve. And put your attention on your own unconditional service. This understanding will make you appreciate what some people do for you – the ones who don’t always make you feel good, but support you, your growth and your life in a myriad ways without necessarily being “nice” to you. This understanding will also help you to serve those you don’t necessarily like. If you don’t have a conditional motive, you CAN serve a person unconditionally even if you don’t like the person. Rescue love from your conditional motive. Redefine it. It is not about how you feel but about your unconditional service to benefit others. Once you can sincerely say that you are not here to get something from the other person; that you are here to give to the other person unconditionally – as appropriate within the context of the relationship – then you have license to confront the other. Not before. And Allah knows best.
image: with thanks via Özcan Ertürk on facebook