Benevolence and Gratitude

Benevolence and Malevolence have nothing to do with outward circumstances. Unconditional benevolent intent is the intent to serve or benefit the other without any regard to self-interest. Malevolent intent is to use, abuse, manipulate or consume the other in order to serve the self’s interest.

Malevolent intent is not based on outward circumstances but on arrogance and a victim identity, on resentment and a sense of entitlement. The victim feels done in and bears no accountability for his life or actions. He blames the other and holds the other accountable. He is here to get from the world because he feels he hasn’t gotten his due. So, he engages in malevolence without a second thought. He claims he cannot give because he has not received anything from the other. He is focused on his illness, pain, misfortune, loss, goal or ambition; on what he wants to get. He does not focus on what makes his life work – all that is given to and done for him by other than him. Instead of gratitude, he looks at his life and the world with judgment and resentment.

Similarly, benevolent intent does not depend on outward circumstances. You do not need money, a PhD degree or even perfect health to serve the other unconditionally. Listening and accepting, affirming and encouraging with sincerity – just allowing someone to be fully who they are without judging them or trying to fix them – are acts of great generosity that don’t require money, literacy or good health. Telling the truth, being fair and being honest when it is beneficial to the other but is not in our interest, are acts of great courage that don’t require money, literacy or good health. Unconditional benevolence springs from gratitude, from a realization that the self has received in excess of its due. Anyone of us can be unconditionally benevolent if we are grateful for what we have.


photo with thanks via Iraj Jahanshahi

THE CURSE IS THE BLESSING

The difference between a curse and blessing is not the outward circumstances of your life, but the degree of your inward surrender, patience and trust in Allah.

If you are faced with a problem and you resist it by going into a cycle of self pity -- why is this happening to me? this is so unfair! why am i being punished? -- the problem will seem arbitrary and punitive. You will increase your pain and suffering by the degree to which you resist, complain and question.

If you accept the problem and surrender to Allah with patience and trust that whatever comes to you from Him is a blessing -- even if it is not evident immediately -- then the problem will eventually reveal its purpose to you. You will realize its meaning, learn and grow. You will see how it is a blessing.

photo: with thanks via Iraj Jahanshahi

CHANGING THE PAST

CHANGING THE PAST

When you begin to see and deal correctly with the present, first it appears that only the present changes. Over time you realize, however, that when you see and deal correctly with the present, your perception of the past also changes; your past also changes. What you had previously seen as curse you now see as blessing.

When you see the blessing in everything, you are no longer concerned about the future because if everything up until this point in your life has been a blessing then what could the future bring except more blessing?

photo: with thanks via Ozcan Erturk on facebook

The Illusion of Separation

The Illusion of Separation

What you experience as other than you, is really not other than you. No matter how "concrete" and "real" your separateness feels, it is an illusion. The truth is that you are part of a whole, a oneness, a continuity.

So when someone causes you pain, it is like your hand or your eye paining. The last thing you want to do is shame, criticize or bludgeon your eye or your hand. The first thing you want to do is understand the pain so that you can administer the correct remedy.

A painful surgery, a soothing balm or a bitter pill may be required.  But all the remedies – no matter how pleasant or painful – must come from the same place of understanding and with the same care and compassion as you would have for a part of your own self that is hurting.

 photo: with thanks via Ozcan Erturk on facebook

Redefining LOVE

Redefining LOVE

We use the word love all the time without really pausing to reflect what we mean by it. On the surface, when we say we love a person, it sounds like we are describing a relationship where we serve the other. But if we dig deeper, we find that more often than not, we are talking about how the other person makes us feel; about what we get from that person. Since if we ask why we love a certain person, we are likely to say things like: “because they make me feel good, they praise me, they support me, they listen to me, they don’t judge me, they accept me as I am, they help me, they benefit me.” So what is articulated as love for someone else, upon closer examination, often turns out to be self-love. Now if someone does all or some of these things for you, you are likely to reciprocate. That is natural. You are likely to respond by supporting them, affirming them, listening to them. But understand that if your love is based on what the person does for you and how they make you feel, your motive is conditional and at some point your love is likely to turn to resentment. Why? Because you have an expectation that the person will always make you feel good. And if at some point they don’t, you will resent them because of the pain of your own frustrated expectation. The me-me-me – my right to gratification, satisfaction, affirmation – discourse of the modern world has exacerbated this problem. These days love has come to mean “what it does for me,” rather than “what I do for them”. Due to the focus on how it makes us feel and our own gratification, therefore, its highest form is understood to be the expression of physical intimacy between two people. Not surprisingly, there is so much heartache and bitterness in relationships, especially romantic and intimate relationships. Because you have a situation where both people are constantly fighting to get the gratification and service they feel they are entitled to. As it has become all about "me" and what I can get; all about my conditional motive. And to the degree that I have a conditional motive is the degree to which the relationship will make me miserable. Every single time. The sickness runs deep in all of us. It's just easier to see in other people. But any useful instruction can only be applied to the self, not the other. So if you are struggling in a relationship, blaming or trying to the change the other person will not help. Because the issue is not with them. No matter how disrespectful, demanding, ill-behaved, arrogant or negligent the other person is, the problem is your conditional motive. Work on that first. Clarify that first. Change your intent -- to give unconditionally – first. Turn love the noun into love the verb. Understand that to love means to serve. And put your attention on your own unconditional service. This understanding will make you appreciate what some people do for you – the ones who don’t always make you feel good, but support you, your growth and your life in a myriad ways without necessarily being “nice” to you. This understanding will also help you to serve those you don’t necessarily like. If you don’t have a conditional motive, you CAN serve a person unconditionally even if you don’t like the person. Rescue love from your conditional motive. Redefine it. It is not about how you feel but about your unconditional service to benefit others. Once you can sincerely say that you are not here to get something from the other person; that you are here to give to the other person unconditionally – as appropriate within the context of the relationship – then you have license to confront the other. Not before. And Allah knows best.
image: with thanks via Özcan Ertürk on facebook

WITNESSING IS HEALING

WITNESSING IS HEALING

Allow yourself to witness fully and deeply what is just on the edge of your consciousness, beyond the carefully constructed narrative of your self and your life.

The vilest loathing; the deepest, most painful hurt; the destructive, vicious rage; the unbearable intense craving; the paralyzing fear.

It isn't bad or good. That or this.

It just is.

Witness what is.

Don't judge it, justify it, repress it, wallow in it or identify with it.

Don't act on it.

Don't spill it and vent it and dump it on others.

That will only create more drama and pain for you.

Just witness it.

With as much courage and detachment as you can muster.

Someone else can lead you to the door, give you permission to witness. But no one else can see what is inside you.

You are your own sickness and remedy.

Witness...

…and let it go.

image: with thanks via Iraj Jahanshahi on facebook

Criticism of Others